Here are my answers to the questions at Step 1 workbook exercises
- Wow, this is a tough place to start. Admitting that I am powerless over my depression isn't an easy thing to do. It means to me that I am not in control. That can be a very scary way to think about things. Luckily for me, this isn't the first time that I've reflected on this statement. I've also come to realize that this admission can actually be empowering if you think about it the right way. If I take a moment to set aside my pride, I realize that since depression out of my control, and I can spend my energy on things I can change. I am depressed, and I can't snap my fingers and change that. My life is out of control. I've lost my job, my girlfriend, and my friends and have severely damaged my relationship with my family and my health. That looks pretty out of control to me. Yes of course I want to change the way I'm living, but I'm scared because I don't know how. And about those days I feel like I just want to lie down and die, well, in a way, that's what I do. I've spent so many days dead to the world, and hiding from life. I've wasted so many days, I'm ashamed to even try to count them. Of course I feel ashamed and guilty about being depressed. I feel ashamed of going to the hospital for it and for how out of control my life has gotten because of it.
- Yes, there is a certain comfort I have in the predictability of my misery. I know what going to be coming up in my life. I don't have to fear the unknown because I have traded that fear for this insufferable misery. Somehow I thought that misery was better than fear of the unknown. If I stop and think about it, that doesn't really work for me. It does have a logic that it follows, but avoiding my fear of the unknown has cost me my ability to enjoy life. That's such a steep cost. I can't really get a handle on how I've gotten to this point. Has my fear of the unknown become so great? Sure, living life can often bring pain, and significant and acute pain, but that pain is only temporary. I have traded that passing pain for sustained misery. If I am to get out of this, I am going to have to accept that engaging in life will bring pain at times. But that pain is nothing compared to the constant misery of this depression. In order to begin this change I have to risk feeling different. I must face my fear of the unknown. Only be recognizing that fear can I begin to challenge it, to begin to live differently.
- Yes, I want to find a new way of living. I've been trying hard to get there for several months and I'm scared because I've had so much trouble trying to get there. I feel like my setbacks undo all the work I've tried to make in this area. I'm scared that I can't do this. Whew. I'm scared that this misery will continue, but I have to find another way. I just have to. That's the only way I can make it. I have to change.